I can't believe it. It will be 2 years tomorrow since I said good bye to being a mum. I've screamed, I've yelled, I've blamed, I've been furious, I've been in floods of tears for 2 years. I was probably even crying and grieving while I was going through IVF, at some level, a process of approx. 4 years. And then before that, before I met my partner at 41, grieving the loss of being a mum and having a family.
Oh my god its been years and its been hard.
Two weeks ago I asked my partner if he would be willing to take the day off work to remember our process and create a memorial, of our time trying to be parents. He said yes.
I didn't know how or what it would look like, I spoke about creating a little garden. Cultivating the ground and choosing plants together to go into that ground.
So on Friday, we sat opposite each other at breakfast, not really knowing what will happen. We started talking about our journey; the difficult, the losses of friends, the wonderful walks we had in Saville. The issue around sex. It felt we were cultivating and turning the ground inside of ourselves. It was not the easiest of discussions, but finally everything seemed to have been said, for that day. I had not cried and for me that was very different. Sadness yes at times and awareness of how difficult it had been for us. Though today we both expressed an extreme gratefulness that we had decided to try - there were no regrets. Though Interestingly we spoke about some sadness and regrets around loosing friends, but none about trying. Interesting ah.
It was time to plan and create our little garden. We had spoken about it previously and with a little drama around size and time, but today we were aligned. We chose the length of ground we were going to work with and then popped down to the local garden centre to choose some plants. Speaking to assistant there really helped, and she got excited too about us being first time gardeners. It was sweet. We started small and followed our gut about what plants to choose, 4 in total to start with and a big bag of fertiliser - oh yeh. I have to say it felt really good doing this!
So back home, we dug, weeded and filled a big bag full of stones. Amazingly it only took us an hour and we stood back to admire our handy work. I think we both felt very very proud of ourselves.
While writing this I remembered writing our letters to our lost babies and lighting our memorial candle. So we spent some more time in conversation, and set an alarm for our writing. It came quickly and very different from the year before. And another very important process for today. The tears came and they felt good and a beautiful release after a day of talking and digging.
I share this with you, because two years ago I thought that I would never be finished with grieving and feeling the pain and depression of the loss of being a mum and having my own family. Today I know this is not true. Today I know that I am moving on and creating another life and letting a life that did not happen go. I feel sad still, my partner feels sad too. But its a sadness we both can bear. We are building a new life that we both want and desire, and it's coming out of living day to day, feeling our feelings and talking. We are dreaming again.
I share this with you because I know that if we can do it so can you! There is hope! Trust your journey. Honour your losses and your life. Honour every little thing that you are going through, because by honouring I believe that this has brought some light to this loss and journey. It has helped me, without knowing it, create another branch/path in my life to walk down and I am walking. This is my path, a path I never, ever thought I would be able to create - but slowly but surely I am. With support and help and me - I walk, and as I walk I grow.
If I can do this so can you!
To my grief warriors, I honour you all and your losses. For being so damned brave.
To myself who trusts the process and is brave to say yes to the unknown.
To my partner who gives me the benefit of the doubt and says YES to the bizarre and the crazy at times. Thank you for trusting me.
With honour
Helen x
