Can we really be grateful for the pain, loss brings? Oh I really want to say no, and I know a lot of people out in the world would say, even before feeling or acknowledging any pain; move on, stuff your feelings, that was the past, don't feel, get on with life, live and let live, life is too short and get really busy. I'm sure there are a lot more scary messages out there that stop ourselves and others feeling emotional pain. It's uncomfortable, to be sure. But pain can bring much learning, growth and wisdom to ourselves and you might not want to hear this, but in my experience people and I include myself, can then generate more awareness, understanding and compassion to others. Oh and how we need that in our world at the moment.
Oh I hear you ask: how can I be grateful when I am crying all the time, doubled over in pain, feeling stuck and not enjoying the experience? Read on ... but if you want to stop here the short version is practise, patience and a lot of trust and compassion. Again in short - EXPERIENCE. Even after many years of feeling my feelings, at times I don't feel grateful, this happen when I am learning new things and growing in new areas. In the end I always feel grateful for connecting to my truth.
So let's talk about feeling. I know that not feeling has honestly never truly worked for me, not deep down inside. Oh and how I have found ways to not feel. I can get really busy in my life, at times doing absolutely nothing, and usually looking outside for external gratification. I am learning to resist these patterns of avoidance today and I am very glad that I am learning to face what is internally within.
I am also learning that there is no black and white answer for 'feeling'. Feelings do not have to stop us in our lives, for reaching our potential, for achieving our dreams and visions and moving on. Yep I used to believe that. No - feelings help us to connect to what is important in the now. We might need to slow down and breath. We might need to allow ourselves (if we are not used to feeling, if it doesn't come naturally) some space to identify and breath into the pain. As soon as we do, pain dissolves - we can hear, understand and be compassionate to ourselves. We can hear the messages within; learning and healing happens and then we can move on. It's like medicine. (Note: we may need to learn compassion and self love - Kristen Neff meditations are great and can be found online, her book - self-compassion step by step or Sarah Blondin - podcast 'live awake' and meditations are absolutely beautiful)
Two days ago I saw an image about Childless Women needing to live two lives. One internally and the other externally, I am assuming they mean that we need to lie on the outside - to others. I truly don't believe we need to lie, but first we need to stop hiding our pain from ourselves and find a way to express what is within. It's ok to feel pain! YES IT'S OK TO FEEL PAIN AND STILL BE OK IN LIFE!!!!! It's the NOT FEELING THAT CAUSES REAL PAIN - in my opinion - depression, suicidal thoughts, obsessive and negative thinking, ruined relationships and addictive behaviour - they are all the real pain.
Breaking through gently my own denial and old belief systems about emotions, helped me accept and flow through feelings a lot quicker.
What I think is needed to be learnt is how to express our emotions in a safe and loving way. Some go to therapy, some talk to friends and family, some have learnt to do that themselves through self help books etc and others like me, have learnt that the Therapeutic Arts and Expressive Writing and Movement/Dance and Singing have all helped the most. We don't need to split ourselves off into either or. Feelings are there to be felt, expressed, acknowledged and allowed to flow through us.
For some people feelings come easily, but for others it needs tremendous courage and I don't say that lightly. For some and I include myself here, it takes enormous trust and energy and it can be exhausting to start feeling feelings if we have not been encouraged to feel. I need to change my belief and defence system, you may need to too. I have learnt that feeling is life giving in all areas of my life. Every time I am truly honest with how I feel, I feel so much better. I'm connected and can deal with life on its terms. I know what I need and usually can give it to myself a lot quicker than before I hadn't connected to my heart and soul, of what was going on internally for me.
Note: At the beginning feeling feelings might be a bit clunky, but with practise, patience and compassion, feelings flow through us. In my opinion, and be rest assured I know that I am not the only one - we need all our feelings to live a full and loving life!!!!
P.S. As I was writing this piece I stopped to have a break and put on a random song. It was 'rise up' by Andra Day. It felt so beautiful to sing and dance in front of my little cat MeMe, made me giggle. It felt very symbolic to hear this while writing this blog, so I invite you to listen and have a dance too. Enjoy and feel your heart and how if feels to this song!!!!
